she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
