Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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