Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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