Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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