Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
