So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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