her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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