Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
