yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
