when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
