Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
