I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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