Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
