I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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