Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
