did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
