My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
