I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
