Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
