he shaved USA in his pubs
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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