Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
