I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
