Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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