I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
