oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
