when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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