Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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