I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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