no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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