So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
