he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
