Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
