I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
