The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
