I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
