Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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