Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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