watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
