??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
