I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
this beer tastes like vomit already
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
