his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
