he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
