this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
