i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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