I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
