Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
