Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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