my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
