I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
