Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
