i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
