She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Randomize
