I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
