I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
