That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
