I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
