everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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