you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
