Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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