my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
