my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
